just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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