We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
