doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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