Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
