Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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