I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
