omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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