Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
