I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
