They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
