You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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