i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
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