walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Just pee around me
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
