I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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