eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
