and she was petting her beer can
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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