I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
