the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
