rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
