What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
