i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I met the friendliest cop last night
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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