do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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