I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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