Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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