she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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