I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
