He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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