Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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