I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
