Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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