i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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