I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
