I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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