Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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