We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just found puke in my bra..
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
