Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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