i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Randomize
