life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
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