Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
