You just made me feel so damn special
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
