Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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