That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
