You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You're a waste of cheezeits
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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