Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
