I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
