I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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