Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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