The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
