Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
