you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I didn't notice because vodka
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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