and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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