I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
