The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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