I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
