I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
