I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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