i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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