I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
