woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
