I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
