I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
