Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
